Why wife is unhappy

Or, when you do have sex on the rare occasion, it's not great. Of course, not having sex all the time isn't necessarily a bad thing, and some couples don't mind a sexless relationship.

It's not so much about how often married couples have sex ; rather, it's about whether you enjoy the sex with your spouse and feel good about your shared sex life. Being around each other may feel like a chore, or extremely forced. Without the sense of intimacy that was once there, you may feel like you have nothing to say—and also don't really care what they have to say.

When something exciting happens, who's the first one you call? If it was once your spouse and now it's a friend or family member, that's a sign your marriage has taken a hit. Birkel notes that in unhappy marriages, there isn't much motivation to connect or share anything. Caraballo and Birkel both note that constant defensiveness is a sure sign that the two of you aren't communicating well, going hand in hand with the constant criticism.

Simple statements or questions can also be met with backlash. For example, when one partner reminds the other to do a chore, they may get defensive and say something along the lines of, "I already said I was going to do it—don't guilt-trip me. Birkel says that generally avoiding each other is also a relatively obvious sign things aren't going well. You'll likely make separate plans and have no motivation to spend time together—all of which point to an unhappy marriage.

It's entirely possible that fantasies of leaving or being single will start to pop up in your mind. You're becoming aware of the issues facing your marriage and how the marriage makes you feel, and it's inevitably causing you to think of the other possibilities. Something Birkel has frequently noticed is a clash of attachment styles : "There's a spectrum of people who are pursuers," he explains, "who are kind of boundary-less and get their self-esteem from how the other person feels about them.

And then there are withdrawers—conflict avoiders that don't want to talk about issues. When you first get together with your spouse, you're supposed to feel like they bring out the best in you, and you like who you are around them.

In an unhappy marriage, you'll feel more yourself when they're not around and may even dislike who you are around them, Birkel says. Not arguing anymore roughly translates to the two of you not being willing to work through things anymore, Birkel says.

Arguing isn't great, obviously, but at least it means you're still fighting for something. Whether you've been together for decades or you're just not keen on the idea of divorce, accepting you're in an unhappy marriage can be very difficult. This can result in denial, or an "inability to recognize negative patterns," Birkel says, adding, "if you don't recognize it, it's going to be very difficult to improve on your relationship.

Things like blame, judgment, and shaming will often take front stage in an unhappy marriage, Birkel says, leaving little to no room for understanding or compassion. When something goes wrong or isn't working, no one's willing to give the other the benefit of the doubt, a supportive gesture, or even just a loving tone of voice. We can tell a lot from body language, and it's usually not too hard to read when you know what to look for.

Very basically, you and your spouse may always angle yourselves away from each other, even when speaking. You may cross your arms or put your hands on your hips a lot, in a dominating or defensive manner.

Being in each other's presence is no longer warm and joyful and instead likely feels cold, awkward, and uncomfortable. This may actually show up in certain body language, such as the examples mentioned above, but it can also simply be an overwhelming feeling that you don't want to be physically near each other. Along with defensiveness and criticism, contempt is one of the "Four Horsemen" of relationships described by The Gottman Institute , one of the leaders in relationship research, Caraballo explains.

Contempt is a kind of extreme disdain for another person, akin to hatred and disgust. It's a lingering emotion, and it will make most encounters with your spouse unpleasant. The fourth and final "horseman," Caraballo says, is stonewalling. Your […]. My kitchen smells amazing.

The potatoes are whipped to perfection. The gravy is thick and aromatic. The chicken has settled after coming out of the oven, and my knife glides through with ease as I slice it. The kids are at the table, mouths watering. Mine is […]. Dear husband, we need to have a real conversation. You are the first to admit that lately things have changed for you. Things that used to be simple for you suddenly feel impossible and require so much energy.

Getting out of bed is hard. It feels so much better to stay in bed and avoid […]. So, the bad news first: a lot of your typical gift options are out. A romantic, candlelit dinner at your favorite restaurant might not be in […]. I remember almost a year ago when this all started and there were so many jokes and memes going around about lockdowns and how there was sure to be a massive baby boom nine months later.

Well, that was definitely […]. Your name gets thrown around a lot in our current social clime. Everything gives people anxiety now.

People […]. Marriage , Work. Faith , Fatherhood. Faith , Tough Times. Faith , Marriage. Real stories for real men. Follow Us. By Eric Eberspacher. It was clear she was having a bad day. Here is what I found out: 1. She feels like she is parenting the kids alone. We're looking at you, red wine and Netflix nights.

Making a choice to drink less together is a good start, and if you suspect it's more than just a habit, Al-Anon is an excellent resource. Your husband loves his mom—maybe a little too much. If it seems like she is always in the mix, it's worth figuring out why that bugs you so much. A year study from the University of Michigan found that the risk of divorce increased 20 percent when wives were closer to their husband's parents.

This may be because his folks' well-meaning behavior is easy to interpret as meddling and undermining of your parenting choices. Sound familiar? Talking over the problem—that you love his parents, but want to make sure you and he are united in decisions when they involve your kids—is essential, say experts.

Most men don't have the same emotional ties to food that women do, so when the doughnuts at the bakery look delicious, he sees no reason not to order a dozen.

And, even though they may mess up your diet , his sweet offering may have a not-so-obvious benefit—a recent study from Ohio State University found that keeping your blood sugar steady is key for minimizing spats.

Simply let him know you love him and doughnuts! Directly addressing the situation like it's no big deal is the easiest option, since that's exactly what it is to him, says Jamie Turndorf , Ph. Between camp pickups, work drama , and an overflowing inbox, it's no secret that it's flat-out harder for women to get in the mood when they have a lot on their minds. But following his lead, especially when you're both stressed, may not be a bad idea. Research finds that a regular and active sex life is key for a happy marriage—and building up to the act can make it even better.

Whether it's sending sexy texts during the day, putting the kids to bed so you can take a long shower, or letting you pick the Netflix movie, tell your husband what might get you going. That way, foreplay starts well before you two hit the sheets. Even though he may have purchased that flat screen as a surprise for you, the fact that the two of you didn't discuss a big purchase is a problem—and may indicate that you need to have an honest conversation about financial transparency, says Taibbi.

This common complaint is often rooted in misunderstanding—your husband just may not know how you want to be appreciated, says Turndorf. Would you like compliments for your efforts at home? A passionate kiss every morning? The occasional surprise bouquet?

Although it sounds anything but romantic to spell out what you want, experts agree that clarity is the best way to ensure that the appreciation keeps flowing. And remember: Gratitude goes both ways. Sprinkle just-because compliments into your conversations and they're likely to come back to you.

You expect to have to tell your kid to put their dishes in the sink or walk the dog but your husband? You'd think he would be able to see a basic household need — like a garbage can with no liner or a crying child — and jump in to fix it without being told.

Yet so many wives say they have to call their husbands' attention to basic things and then instruct them in how to do them. It's not just anecdotal. A study found that not only do women do the lion's share of the housework but both genders also expect that this will be the case and think that men just aren't as good at that kind of thing.

Not true! If you don't want this situation to continue in your household, it's time to speak up. Sure, you wish you didn't have to tell him but letting him know what you're thinking is a much better way of getting the help you desperately need. Men snore twice as much as women , thanks to their larger oropharynx the space behind the tongue.